Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Up and Down

One thing that has been consistent in my life is my inconsistent emotions. One minute, I’m convinced I can do anything I put my mind to. And the next minute, I absolutely hate my life. It’s the barriers. I don’t really mind barriers, especially when I have enough strength to leap over, knock down, or dismantle it brick by brick. I just mind it when I cannot figure out how to get pass the barrier. I have to say that lately I have felt like the barriers are closing in on me.

I’m pretty sick of the fact that I cannot find employment. And I’m not being choosy like my other college educated friends. I will work almost anywhere. (The local strip club is out of the question.) For instance, I would go and work retail in the mall, be a waitress, clean up the hotels. But all of those things require sight. The truth is that my sight really does lock me out of a lot of opportunities. No matter how much I parade around and say that my blindness is not a big deal, and that I can do whatever sighted people do, the truth stands up and screams, “Blindness has limited you!”

I’ve considered and tried to start my own business. At this point, I pretty convinced that entrepreneurship is going to be my saving grace. If prospective employers don’t believe in me and my abilities, I believe in me.

I believe I’m smart.
I believe that I am beautiful.
I believe that I am gifted.
I believe that I am able to make an impact on anyone or anything I come in contact with.
I believe that I have what it takes to change the world.
I believe that my abilities out weigh my disabilities.
I believe that anyone or anything that passes on me is missing out on one of the best things that could have happened in their lifetime.

I really do believe all of that. I just get frustrated when I can’t get others, mainly employers, decision makers, or even a fine man, to see that. (One day, when I have enough energy, I’ll blog about the social aspects of disability.) I know I shouldn’t spend so much time wanting and hoping for outside validation. But when my bank account is affected by not being validated by others, it’s a problem. More than not being validated, I hate being broke. Really to tell you the truth; blindness is not what really gets under my skin. Brokeness makes me sicker than sick.

Before I start dwelling on money, let me end this on a positive note.

No matter what my circumstances say, I know that my life is a priceless jewel. I know that I have something to offer to the world. I know that one day I will be able to share that with the world.

Pray for me as I start my journey to be a professional speaker and writer. Pray that the things that I am going through do not distract me from following God’s plan. Pray that these things that I am growing through enhance my speeches, essays, poetry, and articles.

(I was supposed to have posted this on Disability Monday. Forgive me.)

1 comment:

Heber Brown, III said...

...wow. An amazing and authentic sharing. Thanks for this. Of course, I'm praying for you (isn't that what all church folk say?)

This entry reminds me of a journal entry that I wrote...not on my blog, but in my personal journal. Me and God was on the outs cuz I was broke and discouraged. Every now and then I go back and read that 3 page tirade against God. I fussed God out - you hear me? Looking back though, that period in my life was valuable. I developed this "me against the world" or "I'mma prove all ya'll wrong" type of strength. I don't know if that's Christian or biblical or anything...but I like it. Nowadays, all I need is for someone to tell me that I can't do something or act like something I'm trying to do can't be done for me to get fired up and do it.

So with that said. Prove 'em wrong, Angie! Make 'em wish they wouldn't of passed up on you. Direct the path of your own economic future without compromising who you are.