Wednesday, January 07, 2009

What should my response be?

One of my closest friends commented on the picture that's posted here on my blog. He told me that he felt that it was time for a new pic. I asked him why did he think so. He told me that he didn't like my lipstick and my hair. He said that I definitely have a better look.

Well, I didn't quite know what to say. It's not like I can disagree or agree with him. I have nothing to compare it to. I haven't seen myself in a mirror or on a picture since I was a teenager. And that image was blurry then...

Hell, the truth is that I don't know if I look awful in the picture. I don't know if I look awful in real life, for that matter.

The truth is that I'm never comfortable with pictures. There is no picture that is good enough for me. And I think it has everything to do with me not being able to approve the picture myself.

While my friend is a tough critic, I know that I would be tougher than him. I know that I would never put a picture out there for the world to see that doesn't capture the best of who I am. And the sad reality is that I don't know if the picture I have posted would meet my approval.

Another reason why I hate taking pictures is because I can't look directly at the camera. I often wonder if my eyes are looking "blind". And while I'm trying to get to a place that being blind is okay with me, I'm still not comfortable with "looking" blind. I want to look as "normal" as possible.

One more reason why I hate taking pictures is because of my lack of symmetry. A few years ago, my eyes started acting a bigger fool than they had already had before. Not only was I blind, my eyes decided to take a dive in the shape and color department.

Because of years of Glaucoma, surgeries, and strained eye muscles, my left eye doesn't open as wide as the right eye. And that burns me up. I hate that so much! And I have tried and tried to get it fixed. But so far, I've had no success. So, I just swoop my hair in my face to hide it.

As you can see from the pic here, I have my hair out of my face. And that's because the photographer begged me to pull my hair back so that he could capture my naked face. I don't know if that was a good idea or not. Because in real life, my hair is always in my face... Does it hide what I'm trying to hide? Not sure... But it's a security blanket now.

And the color of my eyes is a mess now. My cornea is swollen. So, my eye color in the left eye is fading to gray. Aint that a mess? One brown eye and one gray eye? I feel like Frankenstein's sister sometimes.

I don't think too many people notice it. But it still bothers me. And it's another issue that I haven't been able to correct just yet.

And no, I'm not going to start wearing any glasses. So, don't suggest the Stevie Wonder-Ray Charles shades. That ain't me.

In all seriousness, I realize that I have to get to a place that I learn to love me, even the parts of me that are broken, fractured, and imperfect. I have to love what I can't see. I have to love all of me.

**Lord, help me to one day be comfortable with who you designed me to be. For I know that I was made in your image. So, the outer me, the shell does not matter. Because it doesn't reflect your workmanship anyway.**

Angie B.


sacredly breathing said...

Hello angie.

I understand the concern you have for the appearance of your eyes. I've had some of the same concerns. You are a attractive woman. You don't need to change anything unless it's a change coming from your heart. You have a wonderful smile and your life energy shines through. The best thing a person can do is accept you for you.

Chi-Chi said...

(((hugs))) Angie. You said, "In all seriousness, I realize that I have to get to a place that I learn to love me, even the parts of me that are broken, fractured, and imperfect. I have to love what I can't see. I have to love all of me."

I think this is so true--for all of us. I have been on an intense journey for years now to reach a place of love and acceptance of all of me.

And btw, I think the picture is actually a very good picture. You don't look remotely awful. But I don't know . . . maybe your friend has seen better pictures. Angie, even the most perfect looking people can take not so great pictures!! It doesn't mean you are not beautiful or good looking to take a not-so-great picture. If your friend thinks you have a better picture or could take a better picture, why not?

Chi-Chi said...

Oh, and FWIW, Angie, if what I am saying wasn't the truth about you, I wouldn't bother to comment in the first place. So know that I am telling you the truth. :)

Angie-Nuvision said...

Thanks Sacredly Breathing!

Unless the change is coming from my heart... I like that. So often, we're motivated to change out of fear, pain, sadness, shame, and rejection. When you do that, you're never satisfied. There is no amount of change that will make you feel better.
But when you change because your heart is guiding you there, it is well in mind, body, and spirit. The change you make is truly change that is needed and necessary for your personal health and peace.

Again, thanks. Come back again!


Angie-Nuvision said...

Thanks Chi-Chi! I'm so glad that you were guided here to my blog. You've been a breath of fresh air. Again, thanks for your advice, support, and kindness.

PS... I saw where you had linked my blog post, "Forever", on your blog. Your post was quite insightful and thought provoking. I'm not sure if I commented yet.

Anonymous said...

Maybe your friend needs an eye exam. ;) You look great, Angie. Congratulations on your nomination for Best Diarist! Keep up the good work.

Angie-Nuvision said...

Thanks Brianne! You're so kind.
Come back and visit me anytime you wish. Nuvision welcomes you.