Thursday, March 15, 2007


My senior year in high school, I lost all of my eye sight. Well, I could still see light. But what good was that? For all intense purposes, I was totally blind.

The doctors always told me that total blindness was a real possibility for me. I always believed that could never happen to me. And if it did, I decided that I would just kill myself. Seriously... I made up my mind that I would rather be dead than to live life as a blind girl.

Well, the dreadful day that I would lose all of my sight came a couple of months after I turned 17. And killing myself was no easier than living. I was stuck. Stuck living, but still dying on the inside.

I needed a way to escape. A place that could feel no pain... Sleep became that place. But going to sleep wasn't that easy either.

I ended up getting a bad cold and got some Nyquil to take. What did I do that for? I messed around and realized that I could use the Nyquil to help me slip away into a place that I couldn't and wouldn't feel anything. The cold left me, but the Nyquil bottles stayed for months.

The only reason why I gave up the Nyquil is because I moved back to Houston with my mama. And one thing was for sure was that my mama wasn't gon' put up with me drinking Nyquil everyday. It wasn't like I could get to the store and buy if for myself. Mama would have clamped down on me so hard that I would have needed more than Nyquil to help me be numb.

But my days of hitting the bottle would return after one short year. I left mama’s house and moved to Denton to attend University of North Texas. My days of becoming a real live lush began at Maple Hall. I started hanging out with some girls and drinking anything we could get our hands a hold to. Drinking so much that I would often find myself sick as hell the following morning, and sometimes for a few days.

Thankfully, I realized that my life was spiraling down into a pit of complete and utter despair. After 2 years of drinking and getting drunk, I gave up alcohol, which means I gave up the numb feeling that I would find when I was drunk. I also gave up getting sick to the brink of being alcohol poisoned. I also gave up the possibility of passing out from time to time. Yes, I hate to admit it. I would sometimes drink to the point that I would just pass out.

But after I put the bottle down, I picked up a fork and spoon and started eating the pain away. So much self destruction in the name of false comfort. Food punished me more than the bottle did. I would eat to escape pain, but I ran smack into fat. Just thinking about it trips me out.

Well, after almost killing myself for being so heavy and out of shape, I gave up eating as a way to find comfort in 2005. I lost a lot of weight. Praise God!

But now, I’ve picked up another bad habit. I picked up another bottle. I know this might sound silly, but the fact is that I am hooked on Mountain Dew. Yes, I said it… Mountain Dew…

Why is that a problem? Well, drinking all that caffeine and empty calories is not the way to good health. My doctor has already told me that soda has so many calories and sugar. He also explained how the carbonation bloats your stomach. Lord knows I don’t need any bloating. Plus, I don’t want to gain a pound of weight. I still would like to lose 20 more pounds. I sho’ don’t need to be gaining any weight, not even one pound.

I find myself wanting a Mountain Dew when I am feeling stressed. The caffeine in it calms me. Some people drink caffeine to boost them. But caffeine has the opposite effect on me. I actually feel relaxed when I have caffeine in my system.

A couple of months ago, I actually gave it up for a week. I managed to survive the bad headaches that one has to endure when they are coming off of caffeine cold turkey. And what did I do, I got a Mountain Dew at the end of the week. I figured I had done pretty good. I could take it easy on myself and have one bottle. Well, you know what happened the following days.

It’s a trip. As I’m sitting here writing this and thinking about how I'm not going to drink any more Mountain Dew, my sister told me that she’s about to go get something to eat. What did I tell her to bring me back? A mountain Dew from the corner store… God help. When will I learn?

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