Wednesday, May 02, 2007


For the last few months, my aunt has been on a rampage about some rings that have come up missing at her house. She’s accusing anyone that’s been in her house of taking the rings. Thankfully, my blindness makes it pretty difficult for her to pin this crime on me. However, I’ve still had to hear the fussing, cussing, and screaming when she calls to rant about how hurt she is that her rings are gone.

Even though I try not to give my aunt much of my attention, this woman is probably the only person in the world that can have such a profound effect on my mood. Even though, I keep all of my conversations with her short, when I hang up the phone, I’m left feeling drained.

When she is really on a wild trip, I find myself wanting to just hang up on her, like all my friends tell me to do. Well, it’s rather difficult for me to hang up the phone on anyone. It’s even harder for me to hang up the phone on my mother’s sister. But I gave it a try last month. Did I feel any vindication when I clicked the off button on my phone? No… I felt worse. She wasn’t on the phone anymore. But my heart cracked that my aunt put me in the position to even feel tempted to hang up the phone in her face.

But I will say this… I’ve decided that I’m not going to listen to her demonic attacks. I will not stand my and hold the phone as she curses my future and damns my identity in Christ. I’m not going to quietly listen as she accuses me of not being a “real” Christian. I’m not going to listen as she tells me that my future is going to be filled with destruction and a great fall. I will not allow her to tell me that I’m not as smart or great as I think I am. The devil and my aunt is a lie!

Well, the above was really not the point of this entry. But I guess I needed to publicly condemn the negative attacks that my aunt makes against me. But moving on…

In my aunt’s last rant, she accused me of not knowing how it feels to lose something. She raised her voice and actually said to me that I have never lost anything. Before I knew it, I lost my cool. All of my temperance and patience went flying out the window.

I passionately reminded her that I’m the person that lost her sight as a child. I’m the woman that had to have one of her eyes removed a couple of years ago. I’m the daughter that lost the mother that existed before the stroke damaged a large part of her brain. I’m a member of a family that house caught on fire 3 times in a matter of six months, burning many valuable and sentimental items. How dare my aunt accuse me of not knowing how it feels to lose something?

I’ve always known my aunt was crazy. But this particular conversation with her basically sealed that opinion in the concrete of my psyche. I believe now more than ever that my aunt is crazy. (Lord forgive me.) I also know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this woman thinks of no one but herself. When I pointed out to her all that I’ve lost, she actually sounded surprised, as if she wasn’t aware of all those instances that I lost something. But I actually think that she gthinks that she is the only one that is capable of experiencing pain. But maybe that’s because I choose to not focus on loss and pain.

When I finally got off the phone with her, I sat down on the couch and thought about all the things I’ve lost. Man, I’ve had some rough times. But even though sometimes I get a little down, I refuse to focus on what all I’ve lost. It’s just not beneficial at all to give the painful things in life that much attention.

My focus is set on what I can gain. I’m looking to multiply what I’m left with, not focus on what has been subtracted from me. I’m looking ahead, not behind me. To sum it up, the loss I've experienced has only pushed me to want more.

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