Friday, October 10, 2008

At Least Eight Reasons Why Ending Life is not an Option for Angie

1. Although I think that the depression gene is indeed apart of my DNA, one thing I am totally sure of is that "quitting" is not apart of my genetic, emotional, or spiritual blueprint. As much as I contemplate a mindless dive into the abyss of an unsure eternity, the truth is that I would never, never commit suicide. As much as it hurts me to live each day of this life of mine, I will continue to live the life, taking a breath every chance I get, and always hoping that each breath I take will lead me to a greater and more extraordinary opportunity.

2. Because there are some pretty important folks depending on me to live. Who are these folks? My mother, my father, my sisters (all three of them), and my friends: Miko, Alicia, Heather, Randy, Chad, Devia, Brian, and Phyllis. All of these people need me. And I certainly need them. We have this little pact called friendship. And friends don’t check out sooner than they are supposed to.

3. There are some people that I want to give a great deal to before I die. (Like who?) Jasmine, Gabby, and Joseph deserve to get all that I can give them. Each of them provide me with the boost that I need to keep living, to keep fighting, to keep building, to keep wishing, to keep believing, to keep insisting. I love them for that. I love them just because.
And if my second nephew was here, he would be the fourth person that I would insist on living to give to. But he, in his short time here with us on Earth, gave to me, most likely more than I would've ever given to him. Thank you Braden for your gift to me. (One day, I'll explain.)

4. I would disappoint so many that truly believe in me. I know that B.J. would be so deeply disappointed. And so many others in my circle of loved ones would be devastated if I took that suicidal path. I can’t disappoint them like that. I love them too much to do that.

5. I can't give up because I can't have that shame around me. My pride or whatever it is won't allow me to fail in the face of others. Just can't do it... Won't do it... I'm not a loser. And I certainly don't showcase and put my failures on display.
(This is why my battle with obesity has been such an issue for me. I hate for my failures to be so damn evident to others. But I'll blog on that another time as well. In fact, I'll tackle the subject of weight in the next 48 hours.)

6. I insist on holding on, fighting, living because I truly believe in God. I promise you that if I didn't believe in God, I would be out of here. God is truly the reason why I have the courage to rise from my tears to face the dark clouds of life. I believe that God, in all of his love and grace, has created the provision that I need to continue on this journey of life, and to continue with the certainty that my destination is victory. (That's enough right there to make me want to shout "Hallelujah!")

7. And like Mary Mary said, "I just can't give up now. I've come too far from where I started from." Yes, I know that lyric derived from the James Cleveland classic, "I don't feel no ways tired." But since I sho'nuff feel tired, that song really doesn't speak for me. But Tina and Erica put it down for a sistah named, Angie. Ain't no way that I'm going to give up after all the crap, the trials, the tears, the bloodshed, the battles that I had to endure. Trust me, you don't go through what I've been through to give up in the middle. Hell no!

8. And lastly, I cannot give up because I truly believe that I was brought here to this planet to make a true and definite impact. And the interesting thing is that this hardship of mine, this disability that gets on my nerves so much, is what I believe is the very thing that equips me with what I need to make that impact.

**Oh, I have one more reason. Because I need to see Senator Obama and Michelle in the White House. Obama 08-16!**

"I shall pass through this world but once. Any good therefore that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again."
- Mahatma Gandhi

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