Friday, October 31, 2008

A Little Self Analysis

In the recent weeks, I've been engaging in more self discovery, exploration, and analysis than I normally do. I've been sitting and talking with my friends, the folks that know me the most, discussing with them who Angie really is.

Most of what we discuss is not a shock to me. I pretty much know myself very well. However, there has been a couple of conversations that has left me feeling wide open, naked, and nervous. And that, I don't like.

I'm starting to discover more and more that my insecurities run deep. And as long as folks don't see it, I feel like that's cool. But if someone sees those insecurities, and if they manage to touch me where I'm insecure, I get freaked out.

Miko says that I'm a control freek. Perhaps the sista is right. But shhhh.... Don't tell her I said so.

While looking through some of the things that I have written over the years, I found a piece that tripped me out. The piece discusses how uncomfortable I am with people seeing the real me. The piece further discusses how I go to many lengths to cover myself up, with the hope that I protect myself from rejection.

I think I wrote this piece back in 2001. What's funny is that it is 2008, and I think I feel the same way now.

Miko pointed out that a love experience that I had back in 1995 is what messed me up. From the look at the below piece, I think she may be right.

Dang, I got a lot of work to do!

Hopefully, the folks that I do allow to take a peek under my quilt will help me do away with these insecurities that I'm trying to hide so much. Hopefully, they will help me learn to be more comfortable, and eventually incredibly secure with who Angie is.

Well, here's the piece.

Peace and love,


December 17, 2001
1:30 A.M.

I hate it when you look inside of me
Searching and digging around all of my junk
Trying to see what’s true and what’s false
Stop looking in me
I’m afraid if you keep on looking
You gon’ see the real me
Yes, the real me
That’s right… The real me is well hidden on the inside of me.
I said stop looking.
You might not like what you find
My past, my fears, my suppressed desires, all of my cravings
Even my secret sins are locked up in my private chamber
Did you hear me say private?
That’s why I don’t want you, nor need you looking inside
Can you respect that?
Why are you so interested in the real me anyway?
Can’t you be satisfied with what I permit you to see?
Trust me, what I’ve let you see, is intensely, immensely, incessantly better than the real me
So, submit to the sanctions
The real me is not as cute, polished or presentable.
Is tattered, shattered, and full of flaws.
Don’t act like you can deal with my imperfections.
If I can’t, I show nuff know you can’t.
Yeah, that’s right. I can’t deal with me, no more than you can.
I keep the real me hidden from even me.
If I don’t like it
If I can’t face it
If I can’t embrace it
What makes you think you can handle it more than me?
I said, stop looking at me
You might see what I don’t want you to see
You might mess around and see the real me
You might see the aches the pains, the tears, the dementia, the sorrow, the cracks, the hate
I don’t really want you to see that
If you see it, you might run
I want to keep you here
I want to keep you around for a while
So, just enjoy what I’ve let you see
I promise, I’ll only let you see the best of me
The last time I open the blinds and exposed the real me
I was left open, wide open
With unprotected, naked vulnerability
All of my glory was wide open
Or should I say all of my ugly for his eyes to see
Even though he was so sure that he could deal
His eyes couldn’t process what he perceived
So, I’ve learned not to reveal, not to undress, not to disrobe
I’ll just stay veiled
Covered from my head down to my small feet
So, enjoy the cover
Relish in the splendor of my tent
Enjoy the view of my mold
Yeah, my mold
Even though it contains the real me, it continues to stay polished, undefiled, and perfect
That’s what you want, right?
A perfect mold
A perfect picture
So, stop worrying about what’s on the inside
Just love what you can easily see
I’ve worked hard to make sure what you see is pleasing
I’ve labored and toiled to make sure that the wrapping is beautiful
So, don’t disturb the wrapping
Don’t pull the covers back
Just enjoy the view
Cause what you can see is dang good
The outside of me is confident, hot, saucy, inspired, and full of wisdom
You keep on trying to look inside of me
You gon’ mess around and accidentally see the real me
Trust me, it don’t look like nothing like what you can easily see
The real me is scared, small, frozen, full of questions, uncertainty, and doubt
The real me ain’t cute at all
So, don’t go pass the shell
Will you please stop looking at me!

1 comment:

Kit (Keep It Trill) said...

You are very brave to read your old diaries. I couldn't open up those pages of pain for love or money. Well, maybe hard cash... lol.