**I've been meaning to write about this in the last few months. Here goes...**
A few weeks before Thanksgiving, my sister, Paula, the mother of two of the children I absolutely adore, called me and gave me some bad news. She informed me that her house had burned to the ground, and they were homeless. Well, of course, because she is my sister, homeless was not even an option. Without hesitation, I moved my sister, her husband, and their two children into our home.
Joseph, who is seven-years-old, insisted on sleeping with his auntie every single night. For some strange reason, he preferred to sleep with me over his mom and dad. And because I love him so much, that was alright with me.
Plus, I might as well share the bed with Joseph. I'm not sharing it with anyone else. LOL
Every night before going to bed, Joseph liked to spend about ten minutes discussing the house fire, his day at school, and desires he had for the future. He also liked to ask me all types of weird questions. But hey, he's 7. There are no silly questions when you're 7.
Well, this particular night that I'll never forget, Joseph lied in my bed in silence. Finally, he called my name. I already knew he had a question for me.
Joseph: Ann, how many people are there in the world?
Me: I don't know Joseph. Maybe 8 billion...
I expected another question. But he didn't say anything else. Then finally, after a few minutes, he broke his silence.
Joseph: You're the only one in the whole world that's blind?
Me: Um, no.
Joseph: Well, where are the other blind people? Where do they live?
Me: What?
I was like, "What in the world is he talking about?" But then I suddenly realized that I am the only blind person that Joseph knows. I'm likely the only blind person he's ever seen before.
I grew up seeing Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles on television. But Joseph's generation doesn't see that many images of blind people on television anymore. Ray has passed away. And Stevie pretty much comes out for very special occasions. So, in Joseph's little head, it really does seem like I'm the only one in the whole wide world that's blind.
Joseph found it necessary to squeeze in one last question before falling asleep. He touched my face so endearingly and asked, "Why did God make you blind and let everybody else see?"
GOOD QUESTION, JO JO LOLOLOL
No, that's not how I responded. I just explained to him that God didn't make me blind. And then I explained to him that there are thousands of blind people who live all over the world. I told him that one day, I'll take him to go meet some children that are blind, so that he can meet children that live life like his auntie. I reassured him that even though most people can see, I'm okay with being blind.
Before he could muster up another question, I gave my love the benediction for the night.
**Quick thought... Whenever I leave this world and go to be at rest, my nieces and nephew will have a treasure of memories that I will have left them on this blog. That's great!!!**
Friday, April 24, 2009
Sunday, April 12, 2009
RANDOM THOUGHTS ABOUT VERY SPECIFIC THINGS
These are my random thoughts.
**It's 3:30 AM. And I'm so sleepy that I feel drunk. I'm warning you. LOL**
1. I hate that it seems that my body loves fat. It doesn't mind welcoming new fat. And it fights to hold on to undesirable fat.
I'm here to serve an eviction notice. Excessive Fat, you need to go! I have had it with you!
2. I am angry with myself for gaining weight. I feel so stupid for allowing myself to pick up weight that I worked so hard to lose. Why couldn't I just continue to work out everyday?! **sighing**
3. Why are clothes so expensive? I went to the mall tonight. I saw a couple cute suits that would be great atire for a speaking engagement. But the $150 and up price tags were a major issue. **sigh**
If they are paying women in other countries 2 pennies to make these clothes, then why in the hell are they so high? American greed, I tell you!
4. This hair dryer is burning my neck. I guess I need to get a towel and drape it around my shoulders.
This is why 9.5 times out of 10, I let my hair air-dry. This heat is bothersome.
5. I wish I could see.
6. The weather in Houston has been nice. I wish it could stay like this all year.
7. Ladama crossed my mind a minute ago. Who is Ladama?
Ladama was my roommate in high school. We lived together for three years.
Sadly, two years ago, my friend died of cancer.
I wonder why God would take her home and leave me here.
There must be something He requires from me.
I must make the best of this time He has given me.
8. I'm not sure if I want to get married. But a boyfriend would sure be nice.
9. I want my parents to live forever.
10. I'm so tired. So, why is it that I don't give myself permission to rest?
I've suffered from inconsistent sleeping patterns since I was a teen. For some strange reason, I cannot sleep, unless I am about to pass out. Ridiculous! I've got to start doing better.
11. I wish I was rich.
12. The value of my house dropped by $30K. I'm pi$$ed!
13. My neck is still burning. Where's a towel?
14. I don't want to go to church in the morning. But I'll be there.
14. I want to video tape my next speaking engagement. However, I'm reluctant to allow someone to record me at this weight. I need to try to lose some weight first!
15. I'm about to get from under this dryer, and get in the bed. I've reached that level of tired.
Good night
AB
**It's 3:30 AM. And I'm so sleepy that I feel drunk. I'm warning you. LOL**
1. I hate that it seems that my body loves fat. It doesn't mind welcoming new fat. And it fights to hold on to undesirable fat.
I'm here to serve an eviction notice. Excessive Fat, you need to go! I have had it with you!
2. I am angry with myself for gaining weight. I feel so stupid for allowing myself to pick up weight that I worked so hard to lose. Why couldn't I just continue to work out everyday?! **sighing**
3. Why are clothes so expensive? I went to the mall tonight. I saw a couple cute suits that would be great atire for a speaking engagement. But the $150 and up price tags were a major issue. **sigh**
If they are paying women in other countries 2 pennies to make these clothes, then why in the hell are they so high? American greed, I tell you!
4. This hair dryer is burning my neck. I guess I need to get a towel and drape it around my shoulders.
This is why 9.5 times out of 10, I let my hair air-dry. This heat is bothersome.
5. I wish I could see.
6. The weather in Houston has been nice. I wish it could stay like this all year.
7. Ladama crossed my mind a minute ago. Who is Ladama?
Ladama was my roommate in high school. We lived together for three years.
Sadly, two years ago, my friend died of cancer.
I wonder why God would take her home and leave me here.
There must be something He requires from me.
I must make the best of this time He has given me.
8. I'm not sure if I want to get married. But a boyfriend would sure be nice.
9. I want my parents to live forever.
10. I'm so tired. So, why is it that I don't give myself permission to rest?
I've suffered from inconsistent sleeping patterns since I was a teen. For some strange reason, I cannot sleep, unless I am about to pass out. Ridiculous! I've got to start doing better.
11. I wish I was rich.
12. The value of my house dropped by $30K. I'm pi$$ed!
13. My neck is still burning. Where's a towel?
14. I don't want to go to church in the morning. But I'll be there.
14. I want to video tape my next speaking engagement. However, I'm reluctant to allow someone to record me at this weight. I need to try to lose some weight first!
15. I'm about to get from under this dryer, and get in the bed. I've reached that level of tired.
Good night
AB
Friday, April 10, 2009
Darkness to Light (Repost)
At the tender age of ten tribulation crashed upon me like a boulder to my head. Without any perceivable warning, I developed a severe case of Glaucoma in both of my eyes. The discovery of this thieving disease, unmercifully engaged my parents, my doctors, and me into a seven year, painstaking war to save at least a fraction of my fleeting sight. I endured 14 painful surgeries and countless visits to my eye specialist.
It did not take long for me to run to the arms of Jesus for comfort. I also wanted him to grant me perfect health. I had been told all my life that God was a healer. I earnestly believed with all my heart that God was going to heal me of my illness. Why wouldn't he?
I continued to fast and pray for the next few years. But instead of getting my sight back, I eventually lost it all. The light of day was captured in my head, only to serve as a mere memory. I was now totally blind. I never imagined that I would ever be visually disconnected from the world. What was I going to do? I never planned for this to happen. In fact, I never believed that this miserable day would come. I thought for sure that God would have healed me by then. How was I to function as a blind woman?
Because my persistent prayer for healing seemed to be ignored, I collapsed into a greater depth of depression than I could have ever imagined. A storm of defeat washed over me, and my mind began to travel to the land of sorrow. I trembled at the thought of living my life as a blind woman. I began to ask myself, "Will anyone marry me if I have a visual disability? Who wants a 'blindy' for a wife? How can I be a mother with no eye sight? Do I still have a chance at a promising career?" I knew one thing and one thing only. I would rather die than become an old blind woman. I became consumed with the idea of being "blind forever."
I had trouble sleeping. My heart hemorrhaged with pain. Fear caused me to lie restless until the rebirth of dawn. I was so frightened that I would fall asleep and wake up still without the vision of day.
Desperately enough, I wanted to die. Thoughts of suicide fought to apprehend me. I was obsessed with the idea of death. I would daydream about creative ways to kill myself.
All my life, I was told, "If you believe, then you will receive", "If you ask in Jesus' name, it will come to pass", "All it takes to be healed is mustard seed faith." Well, I began to believe that God's promises were all a lie. Why wasn't I a recipient of the promises of God?
Then I began to wonder was something wrong with me. Perverse thoughts began to storm through my head. "God must not love me. If he did he would give me my sight back. God will never heal me. I am paying for the sins of my forefathers."
It seemed that sound reasoning had been evacuated. The devil convinced me to believe the pack of lies he tossed my way. I started to decay within, due to my deprivation of truth.
The cloud of depression grew thicker, and the light of Jesus Christ seemed to diminish. Hope for my healing had vanished, and the love of God was no longer visible to me. Not only did I lose my physical sight, my spiritual vision had also been blurred. Spirits of heaviness, despair, defeat, and fear swarmed around me and attempted to choke the life from my soul. I was dying, both physically and spiritually.
But I wasn't dead yet! God can restore and heal the wounded soul. The Lord breathed the restoration of life into my soul, and I embraced the comfort that He affords believers who trust Him even when they are in confusing, hurtful, strained situations.
I am so thankful to God that He used the faithful, kind, and persistent ministry of a college friend to rescue me from the depths of sadness and sorrow. Yes, I am still physically blind; however, God has granted me spiritual vision. Vision that will enable me to press forward and remain focused on maximizing my life potential.
God wants us to love, trust, and maintain our faith even when times get hard. I am a living witness that it is difficult to follow God when the way is dim. But we must stand on his word and know it is true. We are commanded to walk in faith and not to base our decisions in accordance to the things we see.
When the darkness of night falls all around us, the sun is not visible to the eye. But that does not mean it is not there. The earth has revolved and caused a delusion. The sun seems to disappear at the dusk of every evening. Then the moon makes its nightly appearance. The light from the moon is simply a reflection of the sun, reminding us that the sun is still alive.
It wasn't until I loss my sight that I began to “see”. Over the years, I began to understand the difference between sight and vision. Sight is a function of the eyes. But vision is a function of the spirit. There are many people that have sight. But very few possess vision.
The Lord desires for us to utilize our spiritual vision by way of faith, so that we might see the plan of God. God does not work off of facts. He is a God of possibilities. Don't become blinded by what you see. Look beyond the physical rim and focus on the promises of God. Never forget that God is able to do what man deems to be impossible. Open your eyes, and see the glory of the Lord!
Angie Braden
It did not take long for me to run to the arms of Jesus for comfort. I also wanted him to grant me perfect health. I had been told all my life that God was a healer. I earnestly believed with all my heart that God was going to heal me of my illness. Why wouldn't he?
I continued to fast and pray for the next few years. But instead of getting my sight back, I eventually lost it all. The light of day was captured in my head, only to serve as a mere memory. I was now totally blind. I never imagined that I would ever be visually disconnected from the world. What was I going to do? I never planned for this to happen. In fact, I never believed that this miserable day would come. I thought for sure that God would have healed me by then. How was I to function as a blind woman?
Because my persistent prayer for healing seemed to be ignored, I collapsed into a greater depth of depression than I could have ever imagined. A storm of defeat washed over me, and my mind began to travel to the land of sorrow. I trembled at the thought of living my life as a blind woman. I began to ask myself, "Will anyone marry me if I have a visual disability? Who wants a 'blindy' for a wife? How can I be a mother with no eye sight? Do I still have a chance at a promising career?" I knew one thing and one thing only. I would rather die than become an old blind woman. I became consumed with the idea of being "blind forever."
I had trouble sleeping. My heart hemorrhaged with pain. Fear caused me to lie restless until the rebirth of dawn. I was so frightened that I would fall asleep and wake up still without the vision of day.
Desperately enough, I wanted to die. Thoughts of suicide fought to apprehend me. I was obsessed with the idea of death. I would daydream about creative ways to kill myself.
All my life, I was told, "If you believe, then you will receive", "If you ask in Jesus' name, it will come to pass", "All it takes to be healed is mustard seed faith." Well, I began to believe that God's promises were all a lie. Why wasn't I a recipient of the promises of God?
Then I began to wonder was something wrong with me. Perverse thoughts began to storm through my head. "God must not love me. If he did he would give me my sight back. God will never heal me. I am paying for the sins of my forefathers."
It seemed that sound reasoning had been evacuated. The devil convinced me to believe the pack of lies he tossed my way. I started to decay within, due to my deprivation of truth.
The cloud of depression grew thicker, and the light of Jesus Christ seemed to diminish. Hope for my healing had vanished, and the love of God was no longer visible to me. Not only did I lose my physical sight, my spiritual vision had also been blurred. Spirits of heaviness, despair, defeat, and fear swarmed around me and attempted to choke the life from my soul. I was dying, both physically and spiritually.
But I wasn't dead yet! God can restore and heal the wounded soul. The Lord breathed the restoration of life into my soul, and I embraced the comfort that He affords believers who trust Him even when they are in confusing, hurtful, strained situations.
I am so thankful to God that He used the faithful, kind, and persistent ministry of a college friend to rescue me from the depths of sadness and sorrow. Yes, I am still physically blind; however, God has granted me spiritual vision. Vision that will enable me to press forward and remain focused on maximizing my life potential.
God wants us to love, trust, and maintain our faith even when times get hard. I am a living witness that it is difficult to follow God when the way is dim. But we must stand on his word and know it is true. We are commanded to walk in faith and not to base our decisions in accordance to the things we see.
When the darkness of night falls all around us, the sun is not visible to the eye. But that does not mean it is not there. The earth has revolved and caused a delusion. The sun seems to disappear at the dusk of every evening. Then the moon makes its nightly appearance. The light from the moon is simply a reflection of the sun, reminding us that the sun is still alive.
It wasn't until I loss my sight that I began to “see”. Over the years, I began to understand the difference between sight and vision. Sight is a function of the eyes. But vision is a function of the spirit. There are many people that have sight. But very few possess vision.
The Lord desires for us to utilize our spiritual vision by way of faith, so that we might see the plan of God. God does not work off of facts. He is a God of possibilities. Don't become blinded by what you see. Look beyond the physical rim and focus on the promises of God. Never forget that God is able to do what man deems to be impossible. Open your eyes, and see the glory of the Lord!
Angie Braden
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
Broken Pieces
A couple weeks ago, my aunt, who has made it abundantly clear that she has nothing but disdain towards me, stopped by the house to bring my family copies of individual and family photos. She placed copies of specific photos in various envelopes, and labeled the envelope with the names of the persons she intended to have those particular pictures.
Well, of course, I needed assistance with identifying my envelope. My sister opened the envelope that was labeled for "Angela". To our dismay, we found more than just pictures of me as a child, teenager, and young adult.
What we found were pictures that had been sliced into creepy, violent displays of her anger towards me.
Yes, my aunt, my mother's sister, is so angry with me that she found it necessary to gather pictures of me, cut them up, place them in an envelope, and drive them 20 miles from her home to deliver them to my hand.
The truth is that I am not quite sure why this woman hates me so much. I, along with my mother and father, have our suspicions why my aunt has so much hatred in her heart towards me. But the truth is that I cannot understand the intensity of the hate.
Yes, she is mentally ill. But again, why has she decided to angle her pain, anger, resentment, bitterness, and resentment towards me? It's so baffling to me.
What I found to also be confusing is the fact that my aunt would cut up pictures and give them to a blind woman. I can't see them. So, the effect was lost in the darkness that extends from my eyes. I'm sure she didn't think about that.
I'm supposing that the visual image of the pictures would have probably disturbed me. Just holding the sliced up pictures in my hands kind of shook me up. So, seeing it would have likely had a profound impact on me.
But I didn't see them. And this time, I'm glad that I couldn't see.
I believe that my relationship with my aunt is intractable. Our relationship has been sliced, just as the pictures in the envelope. Except, we can take those pictures and put them together and scan them to restore the image. There is no tool, no method, no pressure that can restore my relationship with my aunt.
And the sad thing is that I'm okay with that. I truly am done. I hate it has to be this way. But it does... I have decided that I will no longer be a participant in that abusive relationship.
The End
**Note: One other sister also received cut up pictures. But we know why she's so mad at her. We are in the fog as it pertains to me.
I made a decision to not tell my mother about the pictures. She didn't need to see that. It would have hurt her to know that her sister is that hateful.
I also made a decision to not acknowledge the sliced up pictures to my aunt. I will not entertain her nonsense any longer.**
Angela Braden
Free Woman
Well, of course, I needed assistance with identifying my envelope. My sister opened the envelope that was labeled for "Angela". To our dismay, we found more than just pictures of me as a child, teenager, and young adult.
What we found were pictures that had been sliced into creepy, violent displays of her anger towards me.
Yes, my aunt, my mother's sister, is so angry with me that she found it necessary to gather pictures of me, cut them up, place them in an envelope, and drive them 20 miles from her home to deliver them to my hand.
The truth is that I am not quite sure why this woman hates me so much. I, along with my mother and father, have our suspicions why my aunt has so much hatred in her heart towards me. But the truth is that I cannot understand the intensity of the hate.
Yes, she is mentally ill. But again, why has she decided to angle her pain, anger, resentment, bitterness, and resentment towards me? It's so baffling to me.
What I found to also be confusing is the fact that my aunt would cut up pictures and give them to a blind woman. I can't see them. So, the effect was lost in the darkness that extends from my eyes. I'm sure she didn't think about that.
I'm supposing that the visual image of the pictures would have probably disturbed me. Just holding the sliced up pictures in my hands kind of shook me up. So, seeing it would have likely had a profound impact on me.
But I didn't see them. And this time, I'm glad that I couldn't see.
I believe that my relationship with my aunt is intractable. Our relationship has been sliced, just as the pictures in the envelope. Except, we can take those pictures and put them together and scan them to restore the image. There is no tool, no method, no pressure that can restore my relationship with my aunt.
And the sad thing is that I'm okay with that. I truly am done. I hate it has to be this way. But it does... I have decided that I will no longer be a participant in that abusive relationship.
The End
**Note: One other sister also received cut up pictures. But we know why she's so mad at her. We are in the fog as it pertains to me.
I made a decision to not tell my mother about the pictures. She didn't need to see that. It would have hurt her to know that her sister is that hateful.
I also made a decision to not acknowledge the sliced up pictures to my aunt. I will not entertain her nonsense any longer.**
Angela Braden
Free Woman
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Used for His Glory: That is truly my Prayer
"My life is not my story. It is God’s story.” Pastor Jeffrey Richardson
Each day, I’m learning that our life is not our own. And that God, in all of his infinite wisdom and authority, sometimes allows awful things to happen in the lives of His children to mature them, to demonstrate His glory, and to draw the lost and/or hurting to the cross. Again, this life that we have was created to bring God glory. And the most awesome thing about God is that He can get glory out of the most dark, fractured, shattered, smelly situations.
But that is only if the person that is enduring the affliction is willing to surrender to the plan that God has etched out for their life. This is a hard pill to swallow when you’re sick or disabled.
After becoming ill, I began to pray and fast for my healing. I attended every healing crusade in the area, and literally splashed myself with blessed oil daily. I truly believed that God could and would heal me. But despite all of my speaking in tongues, fasting and praying, and crusade hopping, I ended up losing all of my sight at 17. I was crushed. I couldn’t understand why God would deny my petition to be healed. It took years for me to trust God enough to “be open” to His plan for my life, even if that life included blindness.
What God has revealed to me over the years is that I had faith to believe that He could “heal” me. But I didn’t have faith that He could sustain me despite my blindness; nor could He exemplify His glory in the life of a blind woman. To simplify it, I really didn’t “believe God” like I said I did.
I learned over time that God’s impact in my life is greater than it would’ve been if He had healed me in the early years. Because of the lessons that God has unfolded in my illness, I’ve matured and grown closer to Him. I’ve learned how to trust God, even when I can’t detect His presence. I’ve learned that God is not only a healer, but a sustainer too. I’ve learned that it takes more faith to believe that God can get the glory out of a blinding situation than one that is illuminated with clarity and human explanations.
In addition to God revealing Himself to me through this illness, my life has been a testament to others that God can truly be glorified in the darkest situation. So many people have been encouraged to be strong during the absolute dark times of life, just because of their exposure to my “literal” dark experience. I’m glad that God has been able to use my blindness to speak to His people and to give them hope that He is the light.
I’m not completely sure how and to what extent God is going to use my life to further the kingdom agenda. But I am certain that I am now more willing than ever to allow God to use “all” aspects of my life to bless His people than I was before.
“My life is not my story. It is God’s story.”
Angela L. Braden
Each day, I’m learning that our life is not our own. And that God, in all of his infinite wisdom and authority, sometimes allows awful things to happen in the lives of His children to mature them, to demonstrate His glory, and to draw the lost and/or hurting to the cross. Again, this life that we have was created to bring God glory. And the most awesome thing about God is that He can get glory out of the most dark, fractured, shattered, smelly situations.
But that is only if the person that is enduring the affliction is willing to surrender to the plan that God has etched out for their life. This is a hard pill to swallow when you’re sick or disabled.
After becoming ill, I began to pray and fast for my healing. I attended every healing crusade in the area, and literally splashed myself with blessed oil daily. I truly believed that God could and would heal me. But despite all of my speaking in tongues, fasting and praying, and crusade hopping, I ended up losing all of my sight at 17. I was crushed. I couldn’t understand why God would deny my petition to be healed. It took years for me to trust God enough to “be open” to His plan for my life, even if that life included blindness.
What God has revealed to me over the years is that I had faith to believe that He could “heal” me. But I didn’t have faith that He could sustain me despite my blindness; nor could He exemplify His glory in the life of a blind woman. To simplify it, I really didn’t “believe God” like I said I did.
I learned over time that God’s impact in my life is greater than it would’ve been if He had healed me in the early years. Because of the lessons that God has unfolded in my illness, I’ve matured and grown closer to Him. I’ve learned how to trust God, even when I can’t detect His presence. I’ve learned that God is not only a healer, but a sustainer too. I’ve learned that it takes more faith to believe that God can get the glory out of a blinding situation than one that is illuminated with clarity and human explanations.
In addition to God revealing Himself to me through this illness, my life has been a testament to others that God can truly be glorified in the darkest situation. So many people have been encouraged to be strong during the absolute dark times of life, just because of their exposure to my “literal” dark experience. I’m glad that God has been able to use my blindness to speak to His people and to give them hope that He is the light.
I’m not completely sure how and to what extent God is going to use my life to further the kingdom agenda. But I am certain that I am now more willing than ever to allow God to use “all” aspects of my life to bless His people than I was before.
“My life is not my story. It is God’s story.”
Angela L. Braden
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Transition
I'm experiencing a strange transition. And this transition has kept me from my blog. NuVision has been my home for so long. It has been the place that I felt safe to be me, free to remove my garments, and strong enough to explore parts of my life that I left untouched for so long.
But these days, I'm not feeling so comfy with NuVision. And I'm not sure why.
Perhaps I've said all there is to be said here. Perhaps I'm experiencing my annual burn out. It may be that maintaining this blog feels like work rather than an escape from the grind of daily responsibilities. Or it may possibly be that I'm starting to grow uncomfortable revealing so much of my emotional nudity on a blog that has now started attracting people that "know" me.
Whatever it is, it has kept me from my baby on the web. I have left this blog neglected. I don't even check the stats. And that's strange. Even if I didn't post, my nosiness would cause me to check the stats daily to see who was lurking and peeking in the windows, trying to see what they could see, without making a comment to reveal their presence.
Will I give up NuVision and permanantly retreat to Facebook, the place where I can connect with real people, while revealing one sentence updates about myself? Or will I continue to come here to NuVision and reveal paragraphs of myself to people that I mostly do not know and a few that I do know?
Only time will tell.
In the meantime, I will wait this thing out. And probably by the end of the month, I will decide if I will continue with the blog or say goodbye to my three-year-old friend, who has offered me so much in the last 36 months.
To all of my faithful readers: I love you. I really do! And I wish the best for you. Continue to be patient with me as I either find my voice again or decide if I want my voice heard on this platform.
Lovingly submitted,
Angela L. Braden
Author of NuVision for a NuDay
March 2006 to March 2009
But these days, I'm not feeling so comfy with NuVision. And I'm not sure why.
Perhaps I've said all there is to be said here. Perhaps I'm experiencing my annual burn out. It may be that maintaining this blog feels like work rather than an escape from the grind of daily responsibilities. Or it may possibly be that I'm starting to grow uncomfortable revealing so much of my emotional nudity on a blog that has now started attracting people that "know" me.
Whatever it is, it has kept me from my baby on the web. I have left this blog neglected. I don't even check the stats. And that's strange. Even if I didn't post, my nosiness would cause me to check the stats daily to see who was lurking and peeking in the windows, trying to see what they could see, without making a comment to reveal their presence.
Will I give up NuVision and permanantly retreat to Facebook, the place where I can connect with real people, while revealing one sentence updates about myself? Or will I continue to come here to NuVision and reveal paragraphs of myself to people that I mostly do not know and a few that I do know?
Only time will tell.
In the meantime, I will wait this thing out. And probably by the end of the month, I will decide if I will continue with the blog or say goodbye to my three-year-old friend, who has offered me so much in the last 36 months.
To all of my faithful readers: I love you. I really do! And I wish the best for you. Continue to be patient with me as I either find my voice again or decide if I want my voice heard on this platform.
Lovingly submitted,
Angela L. Braden
Author of NuVision for a NuDay
March 2006 to March 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
"Watch out."
I'm not easily offended. I talk about my blindness all the time. And I try to give folks a chance to also talk about it. So, if people have a question or an opinion about my blindness, I pretty much will listen and respond to most of anything. But there are some things that people say that really get on my nerves. For example, I hate it when someone tells me to, "Watch out."
How ridiculous is that?
Why in the world would you tell a blind person to "watch out"? It just doesn't make any sense to me.
It's like telling a person in a wheelchair to "watch their step". Do you see how ridiculous that is?
And I'm not sure if people have said that to me always or if this is something new. But lately, I stop and become defensive every single time someone says that to me.
The first time I noticed it may have had something to do with who said it. A woman that I used to work with, who decided that she was going to hate on the new blind co-worker, said those words to me in the hallway one afternoon. Now, interestingly enough, this was the first thing that this woman had said to me in about six months. So, when she said it, I immediately took notice. Not only was she saying something to me, but she was also telling me to do something that I physically could not do.
When she said it, I stopped dead in my tracks. My eye brows went flying up and I looked straight in her direction with a strange, non-intimidating look on my face. I didn't say anything, and neither did she. I just let her pass me in the hall, and I continued on my path, thinking "You watch out!".
Two final thoughts... I'm so glad I don't work with that woman anymore. Thank you God for freeing me from being in her presence. Perhaps I'll dedicate a post or two to her. LOL
And secondly, I feel that it is my duty to help others see how ridiculous it is to use insensitive language when communicating with others. And telling someone to "watch out" is absolutely insensitive. So, every time someone says that to me, I will be telling them how silly and ridiculous that is.
Have a good week. And remember to think before letting words fly from your mouth. That's not a good look.
Angie Braden
How ridiculous is that?
Why in the world would you tell a blind person to "watch out"? It just doesn't make any sense to me.
It's like telling a person in a wheelchair to "watch their step". Do you see how ridiculous that is?
And I'm not sure if people have said that to me always or if this is something new. But lately, I stop and become defensive every single time someone says that to me.
The first time I noticed it may have had something to do with who said it. A woman that I used to work with, who decided that she was going to hate on the new blind co-worker, said those words to me in the hallway one afternoon. Now, interestingly enough, this was the first thing that this woman had said to me in about six months. So, when she said it, I immediately took notice. Not only was she saying something to me, but she was also telling me to do something that I physically could not do.
When she said it, I stopped dead in my tracks. My eye brows went flying up and I looked straight in her direction with a strange, non-intimidating look on my face. I didn't say anything, and neither did she. I just let her pass me in the hall, and I continued on my path, thinking "You watch out!".
Two final thoughts... I'm so glad I don't work with that woman anymore. Thank you God for freeing me from being in her presence. Perhaps I'll dedicate a post or two to her. LOL
And secondly, I feel that it is my duty to help others see how ridiculous it is to use insensitive language when communicating with others. And telling someone to "watch out" is absolutely insensitive. So, every time someone says that to me, I will be telling them how silly and ridiculous that is.
Have a good week. And remember to think before letting words fly from your mouth. That's not a good look.
Angie Braden
Sunday, February 08, 2009
I'm taking questions. (Open Thread)
I did this nearly 9 months ago. Well, I thought that this is a good time to welcome you guys to ask questions again.
Don't be shy! I'm not.
Don't let trepidation restrict you from asking your question. There are no ignorant questions...Just ignorant assumptions.
Questions lead you to truth. So, if you want to get some truth about me, then shoot your question this way. And unless the question is just plain ridiculous and a horrific invasion of my privacy, I'll answer it.
Have a good week!!!
Don't be shy! I'm not.
Don't let trepidation restrict you from asking your question. There are no ignorant questions...Just ignorant assumptions.
Questions lead you to truth. So, if you want to get some truth about me, then shoot your question this way. And unless the question is just plain ridiculous and a horrific invasion of my privacy, I'll answer it.
Have a good week!!!
Saturday, February 07, 2009
When You Care
When you care about someone, you really take risks. Risks that can lead to disappointment, pain, and sheer horror if things go really bad. Risks that can leave your heart bleeding for a lifetime. Risks that can render you helpless, speechless, and faithless. Risks that can make you want to kill someone, that can make you wish that someone would just fall dead, or even make you wish you were dead.
This is why we should approach all relationships with God guarding our hearts and minds. Otherwise, you can end up losing both.
My family relationships have always had some type of challenges in them. But I endure because of love them. It's so sad that I feel that there are certain ones that don't feel the same. I honestly feel that they do not love me. And that hurts more than anything.
I know you cannot possibly pay me back for all that I do. But the least you can do is love me. That's not asking for too much.
Perhaps I shouldn't question their love. Maybe they don't know what love is. Perhaps they don't know how to make love "work".
But I don't know why not. Their parents have demonstrated love in the most generous and plain way. So, why don't you know what love looks like?
Well, with all that being said, I will continue to love. A. Because God tells me to do so. B. And because loving makes me feel better about living.
If you don't have love, you don't have life.
And I refuse to live and be dead.
**Nope, this post was not about me and my disability. But I just needed to get that off my chest. Do I feel better? I think.**
Asking for prayer,
Angela Braden
This is why we should approach all relationships with God guarding our hearts and minds. Otherwise, you can end up losing both.
My family relationships have always had some type of challenges in them. But I endure because of love them. It's so sad that I feel that there are certain ones that don't feel the same. I honestly feel that they do not love me. And that hurts more than anything.
I know you cannot possibly pay me back for all that I do. But the least you can do is love me. That's not asking for too much.
Perhaps I shouldn't question their love. Maybe they don't know what love is. Perhaps they don't know how to make love "work".
But I don't know why not. Their parents have demonstrated love in the most generous and plain way. So, why don't you know what love looks like?
Well, with all that being said, I will continue to love. A. Because God tells me to do so. B. And because loving makes me feel better about living.
If you don't have love, you don't have life.
And I refuse to live and be dead.
**Nope, this post was not about me and my disability. But I just needed to get that off my chest. Do I feel better? I think.**
Asking for prayer,
Angela Braden
Brown Eyes (Redraft)
When I was eight-years-old, I stared into the mirror and captured the image of my face. I looked at my lips and took note of their fullness. I looked at my nose and realized how much I really didn’t like it. It was an okay nose, but I would have picked another one from God’s inventory. I then zoned in on my cheeks. Full, but not too fat… Yep, I had a couple of my daddy’s dimples. I wished that I could somehow poke a couple more dips in my cheeks.
“Not too bad.” I shamelessly thought. I had some pretty good looking features carved into my honey brown skin. Not perfect… But I decided that I was indeed a good looking child.
I continued to stare into the face of a girl that I was becoming more familiar with as each second leaped into the past. Next, I caught a glimpse of my long, long eyelashes. I admired their beauty and reach. Those lashes extended above the image that I would zone in next, my eyes. I looked into the intense, yet innocent, brown eyes of a girl, who was unaware of the dreadful days to come. I studied the brown. It was so rich, pure, and honest. A true brown… Light enough to see the brown. Dark enough to be called brown. But in that brown sea, pain, sickness, and death stirred beneath the surface. I didn’t know it yet, but those brown eyes were the deep brown pits of despair. The brown would unleash the fury that hides behind them and life would change. The brown would fade, and the girl’s image in the mirror of herself would fade with it.
Now, the image of the brown eyes in the mirror is a memory, just as the girl’s innocence and youth. So much has been lost… So much has faded away… The brown hides from the light. The brown lost the fight.
When I stare into the mirror, I see nothing. I don’t see brown. I see black. I am not a child anymore. I am a woman, whose brown eyes died.
How do eyes die? How does brown fade? How does the dark live? Why did brown fade to gray?
My brown eyes. My brown eye. The other eye is gone to meet His maker. The one that is left is no longer brown. But it’s trying to be faithful to the woman who has lost so much since it was brown. These brown eyes of mine have a story to tell. And one day, they will tell their story, and will sing the gospel and the blues.
“Not too bad.” I shamelessly thought. I had some pretty good looking features carved into my honey brown skin. Not perfect… But I decided that I was indeed a good looking child.
I continued to stare into the face of a girl that I was becoming more familiar with as each second leaped into the past. Next, I caught a glimpse of my long, long eyelashes. I admired their beauty and reach. Those lashes extended above the image that I would zone in next, my eyes. I looked into the intense, yet innocent, brown eyes of a girl, who was unaware of the dreadful days to come. I studied the brown. It was so rich, pure, and honest. A true brown… Light enough to see the brown. Dark enough to be called brown. But in that brown sea, pain, sickness, and death stirred beneath the surface. I didn’t know it yet, but those brown eyes were the deep brown pits of despair. The brown would unleash the fury that hides behind them and life would change. The brown would fade, and the girl’s image in the mirror of herself would fade with it.
Now, the image of the brown eyes in the mirror is a memory, just as the girl’s innocence and youth. So much has been lost… So much has faded away… The brown hides from the light. The brown lost the fight.
When I stare into the mirror, I see nothing. I don’t see brown. I see black. I am not a child anymore. I am a woman, whose brown eyes died.
How do eyes die? How does brown fade? How does the dark live? Why did brown fade to gray?
My brown eyes. My brown eye. The other eye is gone to meet His maker. The one that is left is no longer brown. But it’s trying to be faithful to the woman who has lost so much since it was brown. These brown eyes of mine have a story to tell. And one day, they will tell their story, and will sing the gospel and the blues.
Friday, January 30, 2009
25 THINGS
This meme is flying aroudn Facebook like a virus. I started seeing it a few weeks ago. And finally, three folks tagged me in the same day. And since then, the tags have been steadily coming.
And since I haven't posted a blog entry here on NuVision in a few days, I thought I would post my 25 things here as well. There's certainly some info that will be interesting to my readers.
**Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.**
The above were the rules on FB. How about this... If you're one of my readers here at NuVision, consider yourself tagged. Okay? If you want to participate, by all means, do so. But if not, I understand.
1. I had a nasty Mountain Dew habit. I kicked it about 4 months ago. A month later, I started drinking Coca-Cola. And the Coke habit seems to be worse than the MD habit. Tomorrow, I plan to go cold turkey the way I did with MD. The headache meds are on standby.
2. I plan to get some braces whenever my money is right. Although I hate to see grown folks with braces. I would much rather be seen with perfect teeth.
3. I've been blogging for 3 years now. Most of my friends and family have no idea that I have a blog.
4. I can't stand all bugs. But I hate, hate, hate tree roaches. If you want to see me act a fool, just tell me that a flying roach is somewhere near me. One day, I was out with friends at Red Lobster when a roach flew by our table. I near bout turned the table over. I've never been in a RL since then.
5. I have three sisters. My mother has three sisters. My maternal grandmother had three sisters. (I hadn't thought of that until now.)
6. I've been a night owl since I was 14-years-old.
7. Horror movies typically don't scare me. But the demonic ones throw me off. To this day, the Shining freaks me out. I refuse to let anyone watch it in the house.
8. I've worn a size 7 shoe since I was in the 7th grade.
9. I hope to have a play on tour in the next 12 months.
10. As a kid, I wanted to be a lawyer. But Radioscope and Tom Joyner caused me to want to do radio. I didn't do either as an adult. LOL
11. I've had 17 surgeries. 15 eye surgeries, 1 breast surgery, and 1 stomach surgery
12. I have Uveitis and Secondary Glaucoma. I've had the Uveitis since 8, and the Glaucoma since 10.
13. By the time I was 17, I had lost all of my functional vision. I walked across the graduation stage with only light perception. I lost the light perception when I was 19.
14. I was on BET's Teen Summit twice. (Remember that show?) I've also been written about in Upscale, YSB, and Consumer Reports.
15. For about a year, during the time I was in college, I drank at least 3 times a week. I would get so drunk that I would sometimes pass out.
16. Although I would drink like a fish, I never, never did drugs. I believed them when they said, "This is your brain on drugs." Too bad they didn't have a commercial that said, "This is your liver on alcahol."
17. I took an overdose when I was 12-years-old. Not sure if I was trying to kill myself; or if I was crying out for help. I'm thinking I was crying out for help. I told someone about the overdose right after I took the pills.
18. My eye doctor committed suicide when I was 13-years-old. I used to wonder if he had not died would I have ended up losing all my sight. But then, I put my faith in the One that lives! Glory!!! So, I have solace in knowing that God has all of this in His control.
19. My mother had a massive stroke in 2002. Her blind daughter is the primary care giver. And you better believe that I take good care of my mama.
20. Although I love music, my favorite song is "silence". The band Peace and Quiet put it out. They're my favorite group. LOL
In the silence, I hear from God. In the silence, I get healed. In the silence, I find rest.
See why I love that song?
21. I know that I am destined to have a successful speaking business/ministry.
22. I can take what I dish. That's the rule I live by. If I can dish it. Then I need to be able to take the same medicine when it's directed back to me.
23. I spent about 2 years of my life angry at God. I purposely ignored His tug and denied His existence. Thank God He didn't leave me! Grace and Mercy!!! (Don't make me shout up in here!)
24. I made the Dean's List 1 time in undergrad. But I graduated from grad school with a 3.97 GPA.
25. I'm an adjunct professor at a local junior college.
Bonus: 26. I'm trying to stop cursing. I didn't curse for years. But lately, my mouth is a mess. But guess what... Since I've been going back to church, without trying, I've improved. So now, I'm actually trying. So, I expect to have this habit smashed soon. At least, I hope.
And since I haven't posted a blog entry here on NuVision in a few days, I thought I would post my 25 things here as well. There's certainly some info that will be interesting to my readers.
**Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.**
The above were the rules on FB. How about this... If you're one of my readers here at NuVision, consider yourself tagged. Okay? If you want to participate, by all means, do so. But if not, I understand.
1. I had a nasty Mountain Dew habit. I kicked it about 4 months ago. A month later, I started drinking Coca-Cola. And the Coke habit seems to be worse than the MD habit. Tomorrow, I plan to go cold turkey the way I did with MD. The headache meds are on standby.
2. I plan to get some braces whenever my money is right. Although I hate to see grown folks with braces. I would much rather be seen with perfect teeth.
3. I've been blogging for 3 years now. Most of my friends and family have no idea that I have a blog.
4. I can't stand all bugs. But I hate, hate, hate tree roaches. If you want to see me act a fool, just tell me that a flying roach is somewhere near me. One day, I was out with friends at Red Lobster when a roach flew by our table. I near bout turned the table over. I've never been in a RL since then.
5. I have three sisters. My mother has three sisters. My maternal grandmother had three sisters. (I hadn't thought of that until now.)
6. I've been a night owl since I was 14-years-old.
7. Horror movies typically don't scare me. But the demonic ones throw me off. To this day, the Shining freaks me out. I refuse to let anyone watch it in the house.
8. I've worn a size 7 shoe since I was in the 7th grade.
9. I hope to have a play on tour in the next 12 months.
10. As a kid, I wanted to be a lawyer. But Radioscope and Tom Joyner caused me to want to do radio. I didn't do either as an adult. LOL
11. I've had 17 surgeries. 15 eye surgeries, 1 breast surgery, and 1 stomach surgery
12. I have Uveitis and Secondary Glaucoma. I've had the Uveitis since 8, and the Glaucoma since 10.
13. By the time I was 17, I had lost all of my functional vision. I walked across the graduation stage with only light perception. I lost the light perception when I was 19.
14. I was on BET's Teen Summit twice. (Remember that show?) I've also been written about in Upscale, YSB, and Consumer Reports.
15. For about a year, during the time I was in college, I drank at least 3 times a week. I would get so drunk that I would sometimes pass out.
16. Although I would drink like a fish, I never, never did drugs. I believed them when they said, "This is your brain on drugs." Too bad they didn't have a commercial that said, "This is your liver on alcahol."
17. I took an overdose when I was 12-years-old. Not sure if I was trying to kill myself; or if I was crying out for help. I'm thinking I was crying out for help. I told someone about the overdose right after I took the pills.
18. My eye doctor committed suicide when I was 13-years-old. I used to wonder if he had not died would I have ended up losing all my sight. But then, I put my faith in the One that lives! Glory!!! So, I have solace in knowing that God has all of this in His control.
19. My mother had a massive stroke in 2002. Her blind daughter is the primary care giver. And you better believe that I take good care of my mama.
20. Although I love music, my favorite song is "silence". The band Peace and Quiet put it out. They're my favorite group. LOL
In the silence, I hear from God. In the silence, I get healed. In the silence, I find rest.
See why I love that song?
21. I know that I am destined to have a successful speaking business/ministry.
22. I can take what I dish. That's the rule I live by. If I can dish it. Then I need to be able to take the same medicine when it's directed back to me.
23. I spent about 2 years of my life angry at God. I purposely ignored His tug and denied His existence. Thank God He didn't leave me! Grace and Mercy!!! (Don't make me shout up in here!)
24. I made the Dean's List 1 time in undergrad. But I graduated from grad school with a 3.97 GPA.
25. I'm an adjunct professor at a local junior college.
Bonus: 26. I'm trying to stop cursing. I didn't curse for years. But lately, my mouth is a mess. But guess what... Since I've been going back to church, without trying, I've improved. So now, I'm actually trying. So, I expect to have this habit smashed soon. At least, I hope.
Monday, January 26, 2009
"I'm sorry that you're blind."
Okay, okay, okay... People don't actually say, "I'm sorry that you're blind." But what they do say when they meet me and discover that I'm blind is, "I'm so sorry."
Sorry for what?
The only thing I can think of is that they're sorry that I'm blind. They're just too polite to say so. Remember, they feel sorry for me. They don't want to say the "blind" word. It's must too pitiful to say out loud, especially when talking to the one that is blind.
All day yesterday, I introduced myself to my fellow members at the church I recently joined. And 8 out of 10 of those folks that I introduced myself to required an explanation about my inability to see.
"You're blind? Oh, I'm sorry."
It's almost like people have a script that guides them on what to say to a blind person when they really don't know what to say.
But I have to give it to them... At least, they're compassionate... Hey, you can't fault people for trying to be sympathetic and concerned.
As I was leaving the women's fellowship after 10:00 service, a sweet lady, who I actually think is going to be my friend, asked me, "Are you alright? You don't feel good?"
I figured the only reason why she could be asking me if I was alright is because she saw me holding on to my mother's arm. I guessed that she probably thought that I was sick or something. Because I thought that was the reasoning behind her inquiry, I responded with, "I'm okay. I can't see."
Of course, the famous "I'm sorry." came next. But she followed the one-liner up with, "Well, the reason why I asked if you were alright is because you look tired. I can see it on your face."
And the truth is that I was tired. I was feeling drained emotionally and physically. And the cool thing is that that woman looked past my blindness and saw me. She noticed something other than my blind state. And she thought enough of "me" to be concerned about Angie, and not Blind Angie. How nice…
It makes me feel good when people see me and not just blind me. Yes, I’m blind. But my blindness is only a part of who I am. I’m more than that.
As my description of my blog says, I’m a beautiful, brilliant, African American woman, who happens to be blind. And no doubt about it-Blindness is pretty dog on bad. But I’m not sure if people should be saying, “I’m Sorry.” They didn’t do it. So, no need for an apology from them.
Sorry for what?
The only thing I can think of is that they're sorry that I'm blind. They're just too polite to say so. Remember, they feel sorry for me. They don't want to say the "blind" word. It's must too pitiful to say out loud, especially when talking to the one that is blind.
All day yesterday, I introduced myself to my fellow members at the church I recently joined. And 8 out of 10 of those folks that I introduced myself to required an explanation about my inability to see.
"You're blind? Oh, I'm sorry."
It's almost like people have a script that guides them on what to say to a blind person when they really don't know what to say.
But I have to give it to them... At least, they're compassionate... Hey, you can't fault people for trying to be sympathetic and concerned.
As I was leaving the women's fellowship after 10:00 service, a sweet lady, who I actually think is going to be my friend, asked me, "Are you alright? You don't feel good?"
I figured the only reason why she could be asking me if I was alright is because she saw me holding on to my mother's arm. I guessed that she probably thought that I was sick or something. Because I thought that was the reasoning behind her inquiry, I responded with, "I'm okay. I can't see."
Of course, the famous "I'm sorry." came next. But she followed the one-liner up with, "Well, the reason why I asked if you were alright is because you look tired. I can see it on your face."
And the truth is that I was tired. I was feeling drained emotionally and physically. And the cool thing is that that woman looked past my blindness and saw me. She noticed something other than my blind state. And she thought enough of "me" to be concerned about Angie, and not Blind Angie. How nice…
It makes me feel good when people see me and not just blind me. Yes, I’m blind. But my blindness is only a part of who I am. I’m more than that.
As my description of my blog says, I’m a beautiful, brilliant, African American woman, who happens to be blind. And no doubt about it-Blindness is pretty dog on bad. But I’m not sure if people should be saying, “I’m Sorry.” They didn’t do it. So, no need for an apology from them.
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