Up and Down

One thing that has been consistent in my life is my inconsistent emotions. One minute, I’m convinced I can do anything I put my mind to. And the next minute, I absolutely hate my life. It’s the barriers. I don’t really mind barriers, especially when I have enough strength to leap over, knock down, or dismantle it brick by brick. I just mind it when I cannot figure out how to get pass the barrier. I have to say that lately I have felt like the barriers are closing in on me.

I’m pretty sick of the fact that I cannot find employment. And I’m not being choosy like my other college educated friends. I will work almost anywhere. (The local strip club is out of the question.) For instance, I would go and work retail in the mall, be a waitress, clean up the hotels. But all of those things require sight. The truth is that my sight really does lock me out of a lot of opportunities. No matter how much I parade around and say that my blindness is not a big deal, and that I can do whatever sighted people do, the truth stands up and screams, “Blindness has limited you!”

I’ve considered and tried to start my own business. At this point, I pretty convinced that entrepreneurship is going to be my saving grace. If prospective employers don’t believe in me and my abilities, I believe in me.

I believe I’m smart.
I believe that I am beautiful.
I believe that I am gifted.
I believe that I am able to make an impact on anyone or anything I come in contact with.
I believe that I have what it takes to change the world.
I believe that my abilities out weigh my disabilities.
I believe that anyone or anything that passes on me is missing out on one of the best things that could have happened in their lifetime.

I really do believe all of that. I just get frustrated when I can’t get others, mainly employers, decision makers, or even a fine man, to see that. (One day, when I have enough energy, I’ll blog about the social aspects of disability.) I know I shouldn’t spend so much time wanting and hoping for outside validation. But when my bank account is affected by not being validated by others, it’s a problem. More than not being validated, I hate being broke. Really to tell you the truth; blindness is not what really gets under my skin. Brokeness makes me sicker than sick.

Before I start dwelling on money, let me end this on a positive note.

No matter what my circumstances say, I know that my life is a priceless jewel. I know that I have something to offer to the world. I know that one day I will be able to share that with the world.

Pray for me as I start my journey to be a professional speaker and writer. Pray that the things that I am going through do not distract me from following God’s plan. Pray that these things that I am growing through enhance my speeches, essays, poetry, and articles.

(I was supposed to have posted this on Disability Monday. Forgive me.)