Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Crying because I was Crying

This afternoon, I started feeling so much anxiety and stress. And before I knew it, tears, something I don't often feel on my face, started rolling down my cheeks. I couldn't believe it. I was actually crying. As soon as I realized what was happening to me, I sat at my desk and started holding my breath, hoping that a lack of oxygen would cause me to dry up and cease the tears from falling. But I continued to cry. In silence, and without breathing, I cried.

After about three minutes, I pulled myself together. Crying in my office was not the answer. It's certainly not a good idea to be in public, even behind closed doors, with that much emotion on display. And no matter how cute I think I am, tears popping out of my face is not a good look for me. So, I quickly got it together.

Then suddenly, I started feeling ridiculous for even allowing the issue that caused the tears to flow to have that kind of effect on me. Guess what... I started crying again. But this time, I was crying because I had cried. I couldn't believe that I had allowed myself to get that torn up.

What was/is wrong with me? My period's not on my coattail. So what is it? Why am I allowing myself to feel so much stress? Why am I feeling so darn emotional this afternoon?

Well, at 4:27 P.M., I realize that I feel better now. Not because I stumbled into feeling better... But because I forced myself to feel better. I have come to a conclusion that being positive/feeling better/feeling stronger is a matter of just making a decision. Well, that's if you don't have some kind of chemical imbalance that you can't manage. But since I don't, I just have to snap my fingers and pop out of whatever's got me down.

Why am I writing this? To get it off my chest... To confirm to all those that were wondering, including myself, that Angela Braden, the strong, independent, always taking care of someone else, educated, smiling, black woman, can feel pain like anyone else. And for a moment this afternoon, I allowed myself to feel some pain. \After all, I am human.




AAPP said...

Angie, I have been meaning to write for some time. I love your blog, I love what you say in your blog, I love the openness and your heart that you share with each and every reader. As I read your words, I wanted to somehow comfort you. Yet, being Angela Braden, the strong, independent, always taking care of someone else, educated, smiling, black woman you comforted yourself. In many ways when I read your words today, you reminded of things my mother would say. My mothers birthday is today. Although she left us over ten years ago. I never forget her words.

Just wanted you to know, if you ever want to have a distant shoulder to lean on, lean on a brotha.

You know my email address.

Peace and love,

- R

Angela L. Braden, Writer, Speaker, Professor said...

Thanks AAPP. I appreciate those kind and encouraging words. And thanks for offering up the shoulder. That sho' is nice. *smile*