Foggy

I don't know if I'll ever be comfortable with my foggy idea of what I look like. The truth is that I haven't clearly seen myself in 21 years. I'm sure that although I didn't transform into a different person all together, I absolutely look different as a 30+ chick than a preteen girl. And while I'm absolutely certain that some aspects of myself have not changed, such as the shape of my lips, the slight dimple in my right cheek, the width of my nose, the color of my skin, I would be remised to believe that I still have the same youthful look that I had two decades ago.

So, the questions that I always ask myself are:
* What do I look like now?
* When people look at me, what do they see?
* Am I pretty, or just pretty for a blind person? (Yes, people actually do have two separate standards for the two.)
* Do I look fatter than I think?
* Do I look smaller than I think?
* Am I effectively hiding my after-blindness, lazy eye with my long hair that I swoop in my face?
* Do I look like a flashback from the 80's or an Aliah wanna-be with my hair in my face?
* Am I bringing more attention to my eye by having so much hair falling in my face?
* Do I look older than what I am?
* Do I look good for my age? (I'm not talking about looking y younger than I am. I just mean do I look good to be the age I am.)
* Do I look confident?
* Do I look nice?
* Do I look friendly?
* Do I look average?
* Do I look boring?
* Do I look fun?
* Do I look like a snob?
* Does my skin look healthy and even toned?

I survey my friends and ask them these questions all the time. Of course, they have positive things to say. So, of course, I'm left to wonder if their being nice to their friend. And I must say that they try to provide a detailed description of me to me. But no matter how detailed they are, I still have a foggy perception.

I would give anything to get five minutes in the mirror.

That last statement reminded me of the news that this brotha gave me one afternoon in Luby's. He told me that he wanted to know if I knew Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. When I replied that I had accepted him already, his response through me completely off.

Well, this man, who turned out to be a preacher, told me that he was so glad that I was a Christian so that I could get a chance to go to heaven and get my sight back. He went on to say that the first thing he wants me to see is a mirror so that I can see how beautiful I was while living on Earth.

Well, here's what I'm thinking... First of all, are their mirrors in heaven? Secondly, when I get to heaven, I suspect that I won't give a dog on what I looked like on Earth. Thirdly, in my opinion, self concept and self image is a construct of the human experience. It will not be an issue for me in heaven. So, his good news was not any consolation for me.

I want to see now. Seeing in heaven is not going to help me here on Earth.

And if there is a chance I get a chance to see before I get to heaven, I'm headed straight to the mirror. I sho' hope I won't be disappointed.

For kicks, and for psychological freedom, I'm going to post a few pictures of myself and some of my dearest friends on my blog tomorrow. No point in hiding from the sighted, just because I can't see myself. So, be on the look out for what I can't see...Me...