There are times that I really feel like giving up. And the truth is I think that I would if I could get away with it. If I could pack of my bags and run away from this life that is mine, I would. If I could just announce to the world that I quit being me, I would. But the truth is that quitting is not an option for me. No matter how tempting it is for me to throw in the towel, I don’t have the emotional DNA to carryout the quitting process.
In fact, I think it takes more guts to quit and to not consider the short and long term ramifications of quitting, than it does to stay the course. So, if you can muster up enough courage to quit and face the consequences of that decision, you can muster up enough courage to just walk this thing out.
For example, I really do think it takes a lot of guts to decide that you are going to commit suicide and actually carry the plan out. Do you know how much guts you need to load a gun and blow your brains out? I don’t want to know…
See, here’s the thing… If you have that kind of guts and nerve, then you can direct that courage to face whatever it is that would make you want to quit living. I’m too scary to even take a bottle of pills. I rather just keep living and work hard to change the circumstance.
"Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems." (Miko Mathews, one of my best friends)
Now, my blindness, in the eyes of my doctors, is a permanent problem. But I figure if I have enough money and influence, my blindness will not get under my skin as much. Yes, blindness in itself makes me want to take a forever nap and forget about this life. But I figure that I would much rather try to get the money and influence I need to create my version of happiness.
Another reason I don’t like quitting is because you forfeit the right and benefit of enjoying the fruit of all you worked for/invested in before you actually took that step to quit. I’ve put in too much hard work to just quit now. All of the blood, sweat, and tears that I’ve invested in living would just go to waste. And one thing I hate is when I waste something that can be used or benefited from.
The other day, I was having a thought that I wish was uncommon and/or foreign to me. I wished that I was dead. I wished that I just was not in this world. And if death was my escape from this world, then so be it. But don’t get alarmed… Remember, killing myself is not an option.
But then, all of the sudden, I snapped out of it. I thought to myself, if I was dead, I wouldn’t be able to enjoy all the wonderful things about living. I wouldn’t be able to feel the warm sun against my skin. I wouldn’t be able to smell the chocolate cake that my sister was baking in the cake. I wouldn’t be able to get a hug from my three babies that I love so very intensely. I wouldn’t be able to hear the sound of Jasmine’s voice when she is being a smarty pants. I wouldn’t be able to taste my favorite candy (Whoppers) on my tongue. I wouldn’t be able to hear my daddy’s friendly voice. I wouldn’t be able to watch my mother thrive.
So, as long as I live, I choose to live. Death won’t be an option until God just decides he is going to just pull the plug.
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